Things your mother never told you...............

I wish my Mum had been able to warn me what things were in store for me as I got older but unfortunately she died at 55 so didn't get old herself. Well, I've had to learn it from experience so here goes!
We all know that things start to slide south and spread out once we get past the mid forties, but with the wonders of modern underwear we are able to 'hold things up' so that the people we come into contact with are not aware of our little problems. This is also when you start to avoid standing in front of a mirror when you have no clothes on too because you really can't face all those flabby bits and baggy bits! Most women have them too so don't worry you are not alone.
Wrinkles start appearing everywhere, yes, I mean everywhere. Some of us are lucky and the wrinkle and crinkles don't arrive very fast because we have good genes and have stuck to a strict cleansing and moisturising routine since we were teenagers, which does only seem like yesterday! Now listen up girls, real women don't need botox or fillers because these lines are a map of our life and character so wear them and be proud.
Another thing you need to know is that things start to get a little bit stiffer and you notice that everything starts to take longer to do which can lead to frustration, especially when you start aching in places you didn't know you had, but never mind, keep going and tell yourself it's just a temporary glitch!
Then there's your hair which starts to get thinner and in some places it falls out altogether. How many times did we cut our legs with a razor when we were younger? Years ago, Emma gave me one of those epilator thingys which rips it out by the roots, uncomfortable to start with but it gets less painful the more you use it. Now, I only have one hair on my shin but the trouble is, it's very fine and about two inches long and even with contact lenses, spectacles and a magnifying glass, I can never find the ruddy thing to tweeze out! Then one day as I'm sitting talking to someone and cross my legs it starts to wave at everyone and you just can't miss it. I might as well hang the Union Jack on it! By the way, this is also the time when, if you have never had a Brazillian, you find you don't need one because this is another place hair mysteriously disappears from! Even my eyebrows are falling out and now I have to use a soft pencil to draw them in again, and I never had any to pluck when I was younger anyway.
At least I still have my own teeth, even if they are crooked with a few crowns and fillings!
Finally, there's the mental bit! To help maintain your sanity, just get rid of things you don't need or use. I've always been very good at putting things in a safe place but then forget where the safe place is! If you don't have so many 'safe places' to put things, you're less likely to lose them and less likely to think you're losing your marbles!
For any man that reads this, all these things will happen to you too! You'll get wrinkly and crinkly everywhere, your skin will get saggy and baggy and even if you have a lot of body hair now, as you get older you will find that yours will fall out in patches! That, together with any wrinkly, flabby tattoos looks really funny!